On his birthday party, I, accompanied by Orange, sat in the corner, watching that beauthiful girl.

In the message, I, alone, sat before the computer, staring at the thundering words.

Through the phone, I, scattered, sat on the stage, listening cold words, even no words.

 

I am in the nightmare, everyday, every night.

 

No tears anymore.

 

How to leave the places?

 

Being independent.....

 

Ironically.

这是我的第一句话：黄大帅tmd是猪！是疯子！

 

我是一个极度肤浅的人

伤感，come on, kill me

鄙视，come on, jug me

酒精，come on, poison me

 

Life is awlful, putrid.

 

 

 

[将止痛药分你]

你却也没有

虽架上如此之多

我们都明白，找不到那一种

 

烟灰缸里沉重的烟头，沉重得如你姿态

沉重得如他

见他接过香烟

胆怯的眼神光终被定格

无心交谈，答非所问

 

醉酒的朋友，醉了

找一个安静的角落小坐

早已不能平静思绪

 

对不起，我又哭泣了

 

你倾吐烟雾，我只想抱住你停止你的伤悲

我真的害怕孤独的背影

你的或他的

 

他说他老了

我们何尝不是

泪干了又湿湿了又干

这又是哪里的歌词

 

河堤上吹吹风

你说让风带走伤悲

其实你也知道带不走

 

言行之间，梦被自己打碎

没有止痛药

想和你一起消失

逃避

逃避眼前不再会出现他的世界

逃避再也无法接近的世界

或许我只能静静的生活

 

默默地祝福他能够快乐

 

如果情人节你在

能否再次赠我一支摩尔

我想我会微笑收下

 

大惊小怪，小题大做

 

胆怯

仍只是卑微

 

严重？

 

卑微何尝不好

 

虽灵魂蜷缩在角落，黑暗中

但面容坚定，精致的，尝试向一缕柔光挪动脚步

 

蛹，漆黑

抵抗丑陋的身体

只为破茧的瞬间

或许飞蛾扑火

却燕尾蝶绚丽

No tears, no sadness, no sorrow, no wounds.

 

It's so quiet. I feel warm.

 

It is said that - u are loney when u are thinking of someone other than being alone.

Contrast to it, it has been a long time that I felt lonely but not now.

Empty spaces have been filled with some warm feelings.

Previously, I refused to listen to the love songs being in love.

Once the excuse was that I hadn't been in love once, and they brought some unhappy things, maybe potentially, cynicism.

It sounds like cold blood which stunned me.

Presently, though that's insignificant me in him, a miss-him me enlights my heart.

When love songs come to my ear, my closing eyes bring his favor to me.

This is the favor which can not be visualized, touched, even smelled.

No dreams or illusions, just warm feelings.

Also, no wounds.

Though there are always songs like SHIVER, WINDFLOWER. Songs like Now U Are mine, Sway will take their place.

Tearful days has gone away.

 

I'm feeling like a girl.

After I got the earphone - SENNHEISER PX 100 - I turned back to my cd walkman, an old set which nearly works out.

Also, the old cds are found out, among which are coldplay's.

Recently, the lyrics in English have caught my eyes. Incrediblly, they are so amusing.

Coming to coldplay, I'm addicted to the lyrics instead of the rhythm different as before.

The words in the songs are fantastic - haunt; bubble; running in circles and coming up tails; U are the sea upon which I float; A spiderweb is tangled up with me, And I lose my head; I know I'm dead on the surface But I am screaming underneath..

I'm impressed by SHIVER, impicting the picture I'm in.

Touched by colplay, besides shiver, I want to share the touch, which, I think, is his favor the same - the word SINKING.

So I made a recommendation for him. Whether is he tending to try? It's not important.

Some coincidence have delighted me.

Listening to coldplay, being possessing sth that belongs to myself - illusion, addiction, bubble...

 

In the bubble, in a spiderweb, on the star, whisper...

Resulting from this state, I feel traquility...

escape...

I'm waiting online, but, without result...

 

There is no exit for me...

 

No reason stands for it. But the same as the girl in Honey & Clover. She said the words for me, which I don't know how to express.

 

"Everithing will go away? Just like the twinge? Everything....Will dissapear? Everything...(Tears gushed out) Without any footprints...? Just like nothing has existed??"

 

There is no nerve to give up. We are both scared of the vacant space left... Both of us have been accustomed of looking for one guy's shadow.

 

Can't stop the tears.

 

I can't tell him more about these sentiment.

 

"Don't blame my ruthlessness."

 

How to blame? Delete the phone numbers? Eliminate him from the friend list? Then lost the feel of his existence?

 

I can't do it at all. Even one day without his apperance will fret me.

 

But there is no permission to contact him...

 

absurd

 

I can only find the shadow in the pictures, in the songs, in the mv, in the calligraphy.

 

When the photos are in front of me, I can't tell the feeling facing the comely girls around him.

 

I hated winter. My fat, and my bleak color will come as before.....

 

Why summer is going by. Brilliant color is not there any more.

 

Photos by him are engaging, flawless.

 

Twinge comes by again.

 

The girl who will marry him should be a seraphic girl, an angel as the dream he dreamed one night,

 

I'm addicted to sorrow...

 

silence.....

 

xi.....

 

This is my secret.

 

silence,,,,,

 

Wish him a sound sleep. God bless...

I was murdered, 

......

nearly.........

Why? Because I stealed ... what?

I've forgotten.

 

The music I'm listening, the movie I'm watching, draw me to think of U.

 

Paris Skies--<Susan Ekdahl>

"Last night I dreamed of Paris Skies. We walked to the street under the stars, holding close holding tight, under cover of the night.We vowed that we never be apart.

Last night under the Paris Skies. U show me the secret of your heart. Keep it warm by your side. Under cover of the night.

Don't wake up to the cold morning light.

Baby don't cry for just one night of love, of love under Paris Skies.

Last night was so unuasual. All doubt broke apart under the stars. Rather a dream of your face than this cold lonely place. Oh tonight take me back to Paris Skies.

Baby don't cry for just one night of love, of love under Paris Skies."

 

This is a song wrote for me. A dream, A lachrymose  pleasure.

 

<Before sunrise>

A movie full of dreams and illusions.

Another night in Vienna.

walking , talking, drinking, listening and ferriswheel... 

UNDER THE STARS, UNDER THE NIGHT,HAND IN HAND.

 

 

Maximilian.Hecker--<My love for U is insane>

Insanity, anxiety....

 

Damien.Rice-<The Blower's Daughter>

"I can not take my mind off U." 

 

Devics-<The man I love>

"I'm dreaming of the man I love.

U look at me and smile, I understand. There isn't a little while. U take my hand.

May be I will meet him Sunday, maybe Monday, maybe now.

So I'm assured of meeting him oneday. Maybe Tuesday will be my goodnews day."

 

This delicate music, I'm addictted to, brought indolence against reflection.

  

But U are always running out from and occupying my head.

Leave an empty face to fill the empty place.

Stuffy surroundings is suffocating me.

Rather, stupid words I burst out shamed me.

Lacking the courage to contact U, I was morbidly staring at the cell phone's galring screen at such murky nights.

All the stupid things spontaneously thought and done by me, potentially, brought aggaravating fear of your noresponse.

I am not assured of whether I can stand the reality when it is given out across your lips.

Though, it will heal in the end.

I'm crying after I know I'm wrong.

 

crying for joy or crying for sorrow?

 

There is neither joy nor sorrow.

 

I have thought too much.

 

I should find a exit for me.

 

Stop thinking.

 

If U DO NOTWANT TO expose much more defect before him.

 

U should change your minds.

I listen the music U are listening.

 

sorrow, twinge, suffocation, scatter, perdition.

 

Everything is disintegrating me.

 

I found that U are thinking of, perhaps, one girl who ever belonged to u.

 

U are overwhelmed by stuff absolutely irrelevant to me.

 

I'm scared.

 

I'm tending to cry.

 

I can't bear this kind of scenario, which, I plead, will not happen anymore.

 

I will contempt and sneer at myself.

 

I'm a fool, a pity!

 

 

 

calm down.

 

Leave tranquility for yourself.

 

Stop contempting yourself.

 

Stop sneering at yourself.

 

But, what the hell is music!

 

But, there is no reason for this sentence. 

Whether I should be a strong girl or a sentimental girl?

 

I, sometimes, want u to know my sentiment, and that I'm insane for U.

 

I leave myself endless chaos and anxiety.

 

But I find this a wrong decision.

 

"Not because of U."

 

Maybe there is no place for me in your heart.

 

My sentiment seems stupid.My anxiety seems absurd.

 

 

 

Just like someone said, people can't persist themself without one's response.

 

I deemed it as true.

 

I'was accustomed of giving up for lasting a friendship.

 

But who know my shatter and my twinge?

 

I'm a pity.

 

I don't want to quit this time.

 

Because, in my mind, i impertinently confound my dream with u, and impertinently extract the similarity, however, deceptive, between us.

 

I think U are the one I need. Forgive me using the words:" I ADORE U."

 

But in front of a overwhelmed U. My sentiment seems stupid, absurd and insignificant.

 

 

 

What i'm saying? What I want to convey to ... who? myself? I wrote these things in english in that no one was inclined to read blog in English. I wrote down my chaos, my insaneness for U. I wrote it, something I don't want to share with everybody,something repelling being comprehended, for myself.

 

But I can't comprehend what I'm thingking too.

 

However, I'm a strong girl.

 

Sth in my mind tell me:" Seraph is always enclosed with joy. U should believe in god. Sentiment, sorrow, or anxiety should not conquer your daily life."

 

I should bring this to me as usual when things come to U.

 

I'm scared of this......

 

I don't want to be a snub mind.

 

But a overwhlemed U, one guy I can't reach, one guy I deplete my affection to, one guy I wish a seraphy future to, one guy with comely dreams....

 

What the hell I'm doing here?

 

But a bland feeling will come in the end, I should go to the library, I should go on killing GRE.

 

I wish a tranquility for U, I will not disturb U untill U dispel the overwhelmed feeling.

 

But..................................

 

OH !STOP............

 

bUT....I love U, man. What the hell I'm I doing here?

 

Fortunately, U will not find these words, which I think, will discomefort u. Maybe, fatually, they are insignificant.

 

Oh, STOP, girl!

scared.

 

scared of your negelet of my words

 

scared of doing things ending in discomforting u

 

scared of wether i will do sth without any control

 

scared of reality's departing from dream

 

scared of my foolish thought

 

scared of my impulsive words smashing myself

 

scared of the lack of immunity of your noresponse

 

scared of hopelessness

 

scared of my cring, my insomnia, or, occasionally, my mirage in the midnight

 

scared of u as well as myself

 

scared.

 

I'm out of control in irrationality. Merely leave endless chaos.

I got the feeling of  wishing to get drunk.

 

Appease the sentiment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorrow, instead of illusion and anxiety, comes to me based on that explaination.

 

I thought I was capable of enduring sorrow.

 

However, heart-struck tears gushed out just because I haven't comprehensively understood a message.

 

Several minutes later, after I reviewed the message agian, I sneered at myself.

 

What a stupid girl......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

have found a reason to reject illusion then to calm down.

 

Stop being frantic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My heart is tantalizingly beating--being scared of what i'm doing all the time.

 

Sorry, I'm spoiling it all.

 

But I am trying to clam down.

 

 

 

Stop spoiling it.

 

Stop wondering.

 

Calm down, please. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

stop thingking, stop crying, stop confessing, stop listening, stop singing, stop waiting, stop telling, stop wondering to be listened..............

There will not be one night like that insomniac evening any more, being scared of a dream in which i  tantalizingly cry at a glance of u in front of a crowded railway station.

Where u r, what u r doing, who u r thinking of and how u r feeling, which i was longing to find out should be interred.

I tell myself--

"Stop yearning,Stop dreaming.

 Stop deening something merely u consider as true.

 Stop thinking of someone who rarely cares about u.

 Stop thinking of someone who can not be  reahced.

 Stop thinking of someone who refuses to  be found.

 Stop thinking of someone .

Remain a bland feeling without a gust."

 

 

PS:

Robbie Williams--

Singing for the lonely, U R not the only one who feels this.

So scared of what i'm doing all the time.

Here comes wasted head-space,Paranoia.

Anger misplaced,

feelings, leave me nowhere all the time.